the mudpond

It's good to let things breathe in your imagination because often your initial response to it is not the best thought-through response. I savour little glimpses of life. Mine and those of people who turn me sideways and around. Friend or stranger. Even a child. (the world looks different from down there) Sometimes an author, photographer, artist. I let things saturate and incubate here. Hopefully, deeper meanings can percolate up and flower.

Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

A stray cat.


Be (a) Reasonable, Asshole...

In Sex and Marriage II Aiz laments:

"The world is changing. It used to be the men who were the assholes."

He says it's women who are now the assholes - those ass-holey women who expect their husbands to do it all. "Everything"

Now I don't know that asshole-ness is genetically predetermined or that it is gender-exclusive.

I don’t know about you but…

I don’t know any woman blessed/lucky enough to have found a man willing to perform ‘everything’ on Aiz’s list, AND who has (or at least honestly believes he has) the ‘resources’ to meet ALL those expectations. Multiple r
esources and in relevant contexts, with reasonable constancy, lah.

Neither do I know any woman who, in this day and age, even contemplates marriage without ascertaining the depth of his pockets and his willingness/reluctance to let her dip into it.

I’d sure like to interview any woman clever enough to have led such a willing-able man to the altar without so much as an agreement, however tacit, on this very important matter of resources: time, finance and delicate 'others'. ;P

But I don't doubt such lucky/naive/clever women exist. Same with the willing-able men. There can’t be many of the latter though.

Tell me, how many men do you know can be (or have been) so 'neglectful’ as to NOT have ironed out this very important matter of marriage roles BEFORE the wedding, however willing-able he may be? Or not bothered to nail down the reasonableness of his life-partner-to-be on at least half the items on that list?

This is all supremely important if you believe marriage to be "the holiest natural institution" and I believe it to be a holy sacrament. (now, where did I read that marriage actually pre-exists religion?) All the more if he is kurang sudi-upaya, wouldn’t you say?

Now, before you quickly jump like a cat on a hot tin roof and say "oh but the asshole changed her mind after we got married", let me say you’d expect any man of average intelligence to have some intimation of her inclinations to truth-telling, reasonableness and integrity BEFORE even considering marriage to her. Right?

Don't they discuss such issues in those mandatory pre-marital courses (for Catholics and Muslims)? We have a duty and responsibility to ourselves if not our God, to only go into this 'for a life-time' decision with eyes wide open, and not make assholes of ourselves, surely?

Right or not?

Incidentally, on a lower, oops, lesser ‘asshole-level’, I have several male friends who think their wives/girlfriends expect too much of them.

Not only does a woman expect time and attention, she wants you to talk to her, she wants you to do things together, she wants little gifts and attention and compliments.

Is that really too much?

I’m not sure equity should be a strict watchword for a good relationship - if "equity" means to do exactly the same amount of things for each other.

Because, let’s face it: women and men want different things.

I think the goal to be reached is not equity, but contentment.

For instance, *many men will complain about the amount or quality of sex in a relationship. We all have the impression that the amount and quality of sex is very important, don’t we? Women will complain that a man never pays her any attention unless he wants sex. Women want time and attention. I’m making reasonable generalizations, I hope.

*this would be an (rare ?) exception of too-much-to-swallow?

It seems fair to expect that a couple can work out a reasonable amount/quality of sex and a reasonable amount of time to be spent together. Whether you spend four hours watching a soap opera with her on Saturday night in exchange for a ten-minute blowjob isn't the issue; the issue is whether you're as content with the state of your relationship post-blowjob as she is post-soap-opera

Right or not?

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